If you experience a gagging reflex, episodes of rage or prolonged self-pity; if you experience a sudden decrease of irony or a dead certainty about your beliefs, consult with your minister, guru or spiritual practitioner immediately. The Door is not advised for Pharisees, Fundies, High Church Whiskeypalians or those who have experienced a recent upsurge in attendance at seances. The Door website should not be taken with The Purpose-Driven Life or Catholic Digest. A rare side effect in women who attend Marilyn Hickey seminars has been determined to be harmful to the ability to read Pauline epistles without extreme homophobia. Men who march in Fred Phelps demonstrations should not take The Door. Men who are members of Promise Keepers should enter the 21st century. If you experience a paroxysm of LOL that lasts for more than four hours, call Benny Hinn and give him all your money.
—Legal disclaimer prepared by Dr. Skippy R, Dr. J.B. Briggs, and Dr. Robert Jarvik, inventor of the artificial heart mentioned in the apocryphal book of Britney