WHEN EVANGELICALS DREAM:07/08/2008
WHAT WE WOULD SEE IF AMERICA TRULY BECAME ONE CHRISTIAN NATION UNDER GOD
By Jamie Crossan
- Prisons would be renamed "Love the Sinner Hate the Sin Tough Love™ Community Intervention Centers."
- Coveting your neighbor’s ass would be a capital offense.
- The Bible Belt would be replaced by The God Delusion Neck-tie.
- Taco Bell would be renamed The Rob Bell All-Food-Is-Spiritual-Ethno-Dining Experience (after first being called Rob Bell’s Everything Is Velvet Sex-Mex for, oh, about two days).
- “Thou shalt make war” would be enshrined as the 11th commandment.
- Rick Warren would be elected President for Life, after Jesus declines the offer.
- Billy Graham's face would be carved into Mount Rushmore.
- The message on the Statue of Liberty--Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free--would be replaced with "God helps those who help themselves."
- The Washington Monument would be demolished, due to its resemblance to a giant . . . well, you know.
- McDonald's, Oprah Winfrey and the state of Michigan would become wholly owned subsidiaries of Zondervan.
- There would be liberty and justice for all. Except atheists, socialists, pro-choicers, gays, New-Agers, Marilyn Manson, Mexicans, and possibly the Mormons.
- The Constitution would be replaced with The Purpose Driven Life.
- The capital would be moved to Lynchburg, Virginia.
- The U.S. would take a more active part in bringing on the Rapture by nuking Mecca.
- Benny Hinn would be named Secretary of Health, Bob Tilton Secretary of the Treasury, Dr. Creflo A. Dollar the Surgeon General, and James Dobson the head of the Environmental Protection Agency.
- The Pledge of Allegiance would be replaced with the sinner's prayer.
- The word of knowledge would become the CIA's primary weapon in the War on Terror, as water-boarding is replaced with 24-hour exposure to TBN.