Mark Driscoll Kicks His Own Ass

07/01/2008


By Jesse Benjamin

Mark Driscoll, Pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, took a dramatic stand against girly men at a Pastor’s Conference in Houston last week.

The conference, called “re:tool and re:load,” previously billed as “jesus 2.0,” featured speakers from around the country with the stated focus of “Making the Gospel and Missiology Relevant to Post Modern Culture.” Speaking at the last session of the conference, Driscoll focused his three-and-a-half-hour talk on the need for pastors to be more alpha.

“The problem with our churches today is that the lead pastor is some sissy boy who wears cardigan sweaters, has The Carpenters dialed in on his iPod, gets his hair cut at a salon instead of a barber shop, hasn’t been to an Ultimate Fighting match, works out on an elliptical machine instead of going to isolated regions of Russia like in Rocky IV in order to harvest lumber with his teeth, and generally swishes around like Jack from Three’s Company whenever Mr. Roper was around.”

Driscoll Hands

Pacing the stage in a vaguely threatening manner, Driscoll focused on Biblical examples. “Jesus and Paul were serious dudes. They had teeth missing. Jesus was a carpenter, Paul was in prison. These guys didn’t eat tofu dogs and bean sprouts. They didn’t play tennis. If there were trucks back in their times, they would have been doing driveway lube jobs on a Saturday afternoon. Same thing with King David. Yeah, he might have played a lyre, but he slaughtered thousands of guys.”

The 300 pastors from around the country roared with approval, even though many of them had heard the same labored formulations at previous conferences called “reGeneration” and “resurge and reform.”

“At the Re:Ignite conference he talked about how Jesus and Peter didn’t wear matching sweatshirts that said ‘Best Buds’,” said John Kinston, a conference attendee who was live-blogging the event.

Kinston is emblematic of the many young pastors who support Driscoll. He planted Kiona Community Church three years ago in downtown Louisville, Kentucky. He attends 37 Mark Driscoll conferences each year, because he said he needs the support of fellow church planters and the inspiration of steroidal statistics.

“Numbers aren’t important, but we’ve grown 81.7% a year since our launch date and I still can’t get the guys to step up and be warriors," said Kinston. "We want to love our city and we can’t do that with a bunch of pansies who would rather play video games than go to a monster truck rally or tattoo their faces like Mike Tyson.

Driscoll Mullet

“At last year’s Converging Conference, Driscoll talked about standing up when you piss and I got really excited. We started a men’s-only Bible Accountability Group. It was a combination of scripture study and Muy Thai Stick Fighting. It was great for a few weeks, until my worship pastor lost an eye. I had to make a tough call then and there: no more Muy Thai Stick Fighting at Kiona Community without protective face gear. I still think it might have been a spiritual compromise.”

In Houston, Driscoll was intent on making absolutely clear that he is in favor of masculinity. At the 2 hour, 15 minute mark, he invited five pastors from the audience to take the stage, put his hands behind his back, stuck out his chin, and said, “Hit me with your best shot. Go on. I won’t hit you back. I want to show everyone what this is all about.” When none of the five took a swing, Driscoll had them escorted from the building and proceeded to hit himself five times.

Driscoll Punch

“This is what being a pastor is about, guys. If you can’t handle it, go back to teaching yoga or playing My Little Pony with the other girls.”

The rest of the session followed the same general tone, with Driscoll ridiculing insulated coffee cups, haiku and dental floss as feminine while extolling athletic cups, tobacco spit and broken load-bearing bones as being “essential for a pastor.”

The blogosphere heated up quickly in the wake of Driscoll’s talk. At Jesuswasaman.blogspot.com, one post read, “This is the only thing that will turn back the tide of the Church’s decline in America. Until more guys step up and start punching themselves in the face, people will continue to leave the Church.”

Driscoll’s detractors had their say as well. At thereisaplacefordriscollinhellbesidehitler.wordpress.com, Angel23 said, “It doesn’t matter that Driscoll’s church has 6,000 people coming to worship God, if he continues to use words like sissy he will be smited.”

Driscoll turned down our request for an interview, saying, “Interviews are for wimpy guys who wear Sans-a-Belt slacks and chew sugar-free gum.”


Comments(448)

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zak | 03:56 pm on 4/09/2009

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Anonymous | 02:29 pm on 4/12/2009

this is so bogus, i doubt this is true anyways, its mostly made up

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Well, that was my 2 cents LOL… thx for reading

The Baldchemist | 10:08 am on 4/26/2009

You poor, sick mugs! What is this? Where is the tolerance, the understanding, the forgiveness?
Is this what your religion is all about? God! What God is this? Who is God. Ask the Jew, the Muslim, the Hindu, the Buddhist, the Sihk. whose God are you talking about? They all believe that they are right and that they are going to be saved when The apocolypse arrives.
Religion has caused more trouble and wars than even money and what I see and read here confirms that you have serious problems!
Thankfully I´m an Aetheist and just want to get as much joy and happiness everyday.
And please dont write that I´m some sort of pussy or a faggot I´ve heard it all before from those suffering from delusions of grandeur, megalomania, paranoia, and narcissism and hide behind Gods words.

Anonymous | 08:34 pm on 5/10/2009

Perhaps you are closer to the Kingdom than some who think they are!

Jolson | 08:28 pm on 4/26/2009

I doubt I am the first person to say this, but I think the book "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge is a better definition of manliness.

Because masculinity is neither cardigans nor keggers. It's not Frappuccinos or fist-fights. And none of these things are outside of Christian masculinity.

The problems arise when we have church leaders asserting one over the other in either direction.

Anonymous | 12:03 pm on 4/27/2009

I just attended a marriage conference given by Mark Driscoll this last weekend. It was a 6 hour seminar on how sex can fix everything. The ideas he expressed were borderline vulgar. From the stories he told he must treat his wife like a servant and sex slave. Just as an above writer predicted that MD may be in some kind of scandal about his manliness, I also predict that he will someday get out of line in this area also. Any man of God who stands up and tells the crowd that his wife questions him about whether or not he found anyone alluring or attractive while he was out of town for a few days is headed for a disaster. As a Christian man, he should be able to leave his wife for a few days without her questioning if he found anyone alluring. Also he made comments that he prayed everyday that he can bury his wife-letting him take total care of her from the age or 17 to death. He's arrogant, offensive and dangerous.

Mark | 10:33 am on 5/03/2009

I quit Willow Creek Community Church because I got tired of hearing the same "men bad, woman good" message in services and small groups. For example, Father's Day sermon did not honor men, yet Mother's Day services did. Another time while teaching children about anger and divorce, the material showed dad was the angry and disagreeable, while mom, who statistically initiated the divorce (about 80%), was a the nurturer, among many other things. If I want man bad, woman good stuff, I'll turn on my television.

It seems as if the guy is not making a living around a church, they do not hang out too much. Well at Willow Creek anyway.

Anonymous | 04:36 pm on 5/04/2009

Mark Driscoll is a fad. He's got the "short-guy" syndrome and thinks acting like a tough guy makes him a stud. Talking about he and his wife's busy sex life makes him someone people wants to be like? I don't think so. He's a sexist bully who believes a woman is there to "pleasure her man", have a bunch of kids and kiss his behind all at the same time.

If he hasn't already been in some kind of sex scandal, he will be. He is trouble waiting to happen and I'm done with anything that Mark Driscoll endorses or has anything to do with.

Nic from the Philippines | 03:03 am on 5/20/2009

haha. You dont know what you're talking about. Infact Mark talks about the OPPOSITE. That women AREN'T toys or play things. While Driscoll can fall into sexual sin (like any man), I will pray for him that he doesn't.. well, thats all.. amen.

Brett | 11:28 am on 5/07/2009

Why is it that every article I read is so skewed and misleading? Why can't people just right about the facts. Why does an agenda have to be pushed? Even the pictures in this portray Driscoll as a crazy person. The picture of Driscoll appearing to take a swing at Piper is totally misleading. He's actually "fist bumping" Matt Chandler behind Piper's back because of something great Piper said. Whether you like Driscoll or not, just be true to the facts and context in which events happen. I'm sure glad nobody ever portrayed Jesus in a way that suited their own agenda....good thing we've matured since then....oh wait...

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Anonymous | 08:28 pm on 5/10/2009

Hasn't Mark Driscoll ever read 2 Cor 10:4: "The weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every other thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."

How does he justify his immature flesh-driven behavior?

Anonymous | 02:05 pm on 5/12/2009

Oh dear. I don't know what bothers me more, the idea that a pastor can dictate to people how they should be, how they should define themselves, or that he has to tramp on femininity to do it. "Go and play with your My Little Pony"? Insulting. Guess what...Jesus loves you even if you don't want to punch yourself in the face. Yes, perhaps there is a problem in the church with men being unable to express their masculinity, but the answer isn't to go to the other extreme and look down on those who don't want to go and watch monster trucks, whatever they are. Aaaaah! Since when did being a Christian mean caring about whether or not someone likes tight jeans? whatever happened to God looks at the heart, etc??

Chocoboracer | 11:01 pm on 5/13/2009

This is satire, for God's sake!

Dow | 01:09 pm on 5/13/2009

Some follow Paul, some follow Apollos....New day...same old "we need a man to follow".

Brian | 02:26 pm on 5/13/2009

The men who have a problem with Mark are the guys who have let a politically correct America and the long since castrated christian church cut off there you know what's. And like the true cowards they are they are running from the truth.

Nic from the Philippines | 02:51 am on 5/20/2009

HAHA. The write up is a roar! Awesome! I think Driscoll is awesome. Yes, while Driscoll can be very strong at times, I think his theology is very sound bible truth. And to be very honest with you, I didn't like Driscoll at first.. I thought he was a douche. But listening in, I can honestly say that Driscoll brought me even closer to Jesus than ever before! Just shows how GOD works.. and now, because of Mars Hill, and what they teach about Jesus, I am so hungry for Jesus and His Word- no church was able to help me like MH! Anyway.. just reading the comments is hilarious aswell! People take this waaaaayyy to seriously. Obviously, for some, humor isn't an option! LOL! And who on earth is Rob Bell?

Anonymous | 10:23 pm on 5/30/2009

Yeah, this is funny as hell. My dad gets his hair done at a beauty salon and uses Oil of Olay. So...?? What you go to say?

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Jordan | 05:14 pm on 6/20/2009

I love Driscoll. He's so badass.

Will K. | 03:21 pm on 6/25/2009

Guys,

C'mon now, this is a Wittenburg Door article. Can't we just laugh at the joke and move on?

Anonymous | 06:08 am on 6/29/2009

I find it very amusing that aparently 90% of posters don't understand that this is a satire article and Driscoll didn't really say all this. Most people on here probably think Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" was really a piece of serious moral philosophy. It is funny.

Anonymous | 09:02 am on 6/30/2009

I like cheese puffs.

Tim | 11:32 pm on 6/30/2009

we do all know this is a satire piece right?

Stephy | 03:13 pm on 7/01/2009

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Da Tigster | 09:30 pm on 7/11/2009

I can't believe that Driscoll guy is for real. He must be having some serious doubts about his sexuality!

He uses American macho cliches that just don't exist in the rest of the world. I don't think Jesus idea of 'turning the other cheek' was meant to show off what a tough guy you are. Thank God I live in a more metrosexual sort of country.

Anonymous | 11:39 pm on 7/17/2009

Do people take you seriously when you suggest that culturally and socially accepted understandings of "manliness" take center stage over biblical teaching?

The closest this guy seems to get to teaching from the Bible is the offhand references about Jesus being a carpenter. What is this? The Gospel According to Jeff Foxworthy?

popseal | 10:20 pm on 7/25/2009

Other than talk about manhood, I wonder what this Driscoll guy has ever done, outside talking about it, that would reflect masculine character?

Stephy | 01:20 pm on 7/27/2009

Have you seen the fake twitter for Driscoll? http://twitter.com/fakedriscoll

Anonymous | 07:50 am on 7/31/2009

I don't agree with much of Bell's theology but I believe if Bell and Driscoll had lived in Jesus' day, Jesus would have have hung out with Bell and rebuked Driscoll like a Pharisee - not so much because of Driscoll's beliefs (though I think those on this topic are, at the very least, wacky) but because of his attitudes. Driscoll appears to think HIS way of being a "man" is the only way to be "man." At the very least he doesn't take into account that men can differ and still be "men." At the worst, he is reading his own cultural and fallen values into scripture.

(from a woman who thinks her loving, sensitive, violence-hating - but strong and gody - husband is a perfect example of Biblical manhood)

Anonymous | 03:17 pm on 8/04/2009

I like Mark Driscoll, he pumps me up. But Rob Bell is a girlyman.

Anonymous | 10:14 am on 8/11/2009

I follow Paul! I follow Apollos!

Anonymous | 10:20 am on 8/11/2009

"I can't believe that Driscoll guy is for real. He must be having some serious doubts about his sexuality!

He uses American macho cliches that just don't exist in the rest of the world. I don't think Jesus idea of 'turning the other cheek' was meant to show off what a tough guy you are. Thank God I live in a more metrosexual sort of country."

Have you noticed that Ultimate Fighting is slowly becoming one of our country's most popular sports? If you don't understand this part of the country (which involves many men in the metrosexual parts)--you are missing out on something going on inside the heart and minds of men today.

Love him or hate him...Driscoll is touching on something very important in regard to men...even though I disagree with most of what he may be prescribing.

Siarlys Jenkins | 12:56 pm on 8/22/2009

This site hasn't posted anything new in a year or so. For slightly newer stuff, try

http://windowsonwittenberg.blogspot.com/

If you have some new material, post it as a comment, and I'll consider posting it as a post. Include your non de plume.

Anonymous | 03:44 pm on 8/28/2009

"Song to the Emergent Church by the Devil"
Sung to the tune of Paul Simon's 50 Ways to Leave your Lover
by R. Francis

The problem is all inside that Book
He said to me
The answer is easy
If you'll think Emergently
My new perversion here “Bible version”
should set your conscious free
There must be
Fifty waysTo go Emergent…
Fifty ways to go Emergent....
He said it really is my nature to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my council
will be helpful to delude
So I'll repeat myself
Cause I'm tops at being crude
There must be fifty ways
To go Emergent
CHORUS:
You Just sip on some Jack , Mack (Daniels)
Make a cheap grace plan.
You don't need make sense, Roy
Ya just get yourself free..

Ya just hop on the cuss bus
You don't need to repent, much
Contemplative is so key
Gotta get yourself free

He said it glees me so
To see you lack respect
I wish there was something I could do
To help you genuflect
I said I appreciate that
And would you please explain
About the fifty ways
He said why don't we both
Just sleep on it tonight
And I believe that by the morning
You'll be sleeping in the light
And then he cursed me
And I realized there is no wrong or right
There must be fifty ways To go Emergent...
Fifty ways to go Emergent
(Chorus)

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