Robert Baldwin of Gonic, New Hampshire, stuffed an entire package of bologna down his pants and had to be apprehended by authorities for disgusting use of luncheon meats. The official charge was “willful concealment,” which is a misnomer since Baldwin was obviously engaging in willful enhancement, but he was sentenced in Portsmouth District Court to 40 hours of community service, and at least a portion of that time will involve learning the proper usages of all sausages, salamis, bratwursts, knackwursts, kielbasas, and, need we point out, wieners.