Blessed Are The Swishy

03/06/2008


(From the Pastoral Notes of Barack Obama)

By Joe Bob Briggs

News item: WESTERVILLE, O. — Barack Obama defended same-sex civil unions Sunday by referring Christians against the practice to look at Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, which he contends supports gay civil unions.

Obama on the mount

For those who had trouble finding the pertinent verses that Senator Obama was referring to:

     Blessed are the swishy, for they will clothe us in the form of excitable fashion-design majors.
     Blessed are the queens, for they will overwhelm our iPods with Madonna remixes.
     Blessed are the cabana boys, for their Capri pants shalt cling to their bubble butts.
     Blessed are the toughies in black leather, for whom their wrist studs gleam as though illuminated by angels.
     Blessed are the plaid-shirted Sisters of Lesbos, whose thighs bulge with holiness.
     Blessed are the greatest hits of Cher, who was sent to you as a sign and a wonder and a special effect of the Lord.
     Gather ye together, all of ye, girly man and manly girl, all as one, in thy lofts and bath houses, and go ye forth unto all the nations, and multi—, uh, go ye forth unto all the nations and see that thy coffee blends and flavorings are preserved even unto the seventh generation, man and man, woman and woman, mixing together, one to another, two by two and three by seven, even the two-by-four with the brickhouse.
     And know that the Lord hath blessed thy union, girly man and manly girl, provided there be no poetry readings nor gator-dancing when drunk nor any of the abominations spoken of by the Seven-Headed Beast that emerges from Key West after closing time.
     And then a great multitude mumbled against the Lord, saying, Can these things be true?
     And he said, Don’t be jerks about it, okay?


Comments(120)

Anonymous | 06:45 am on 3/07/2008

Maybe Mr. Obama should read his Bible again! This same Jesus he quotes is also God the Son. The Father ,Son and Holy Spirit inspired the verses (OT.NT.) about homosexuality being an abominable SIN! Good grief! I'm surprised Barack also didn't claim that Jesus (the author of life) is "pro-abortion!" This is what is taught in liberal churches folks! Naturally a lot you voters who call yourselves "Christian" will vote for this doofus. After all being a democrat or republican for that matter, is far more important than being a follower of Christ,huh?

Joshua C. | 10:07 am on 3/07/2008

Yes, political parties are idols in America that people worship as well as worshiping at the Pro or Con idols of abortion and gay marriage. Many issues have become gods for people in America. Lets face it if this was the 1916 election people would be praising or condeming Obama for taking a drink.

Anonymous | 11:34 am on 3/07/2008

Yeah Josh you could be right,although I think taking a drink is a far cry from abortion and gay marriage.

Anonymous | 07:47 pm on 3/07/2008

Drink vs. Gay marrage. Depends on who you ask about whatever the greatest sin of the time is. scripturally whole differnt ball game. So drink up!

(Insert Martin Luther quote here)

nomus | 11:41 am on 3/10/2008

Luther quote, "katie could you get me another beer"

Cat Mom | 10:30 am on 3/13/2008

Benjamin Franklin said that beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Josh C. | 11:38 am on 3/10/2008

I will argue I am correct. People often focus on issues rather then looking at the whole message and complexities of God for multiple reasons. I hope you did not get wrapped up in the example of prohibition because I could have easily used the slavery issue of the 1800's. But of course using this issue and relating back to Obama would be redundant

Anonymous | 09:25 am on 7/01/2008

You obviously haven't been in a Baptist or Pentecostal church lately.

Anonymous | 10:22 am on 3/07/2008

Yeah! a person that can with out a doubt judge who is a christain or not. glad to have of those at the wittenburg door. Anonymous by looking at your comment I guess you require christains to vote for the party being with an R

Anonymous | 11:27 am on 3/07/2008

Obviously Anon,you didn't see my remark about republicans. You really and honestly think that Christ endorses "civil unions?" For gosh sakes Jesus condemned adultery as sin! He sure as heck doesn't endorse the gay lifestyle! Again where do you get the idea I require christians to vote republican? You'd better read my post again!

Anonymous | 07:37 pm on 3/07/2008

Read your post comment still stands

Anonymous | 08:16 pm on 3/07/2008

Anon I don't need to read it again and you still haven't answered my question! If it makes you feel better I'm not a republican! Both parties are controlled by elitists! So if you have any guts tell me where in my post I told people to vote for the GOP! Hillary,Barack, and McCain,there's not a penny's worth of difference among them. All three are big government types. When I vote it will be either libertarian or constitution party! There now do you feel better!? Next time read more carefully!

Anonymous | 10:22 pm on 3/11/2008

I feel fine. sorry you just sound like a page out of the how to get votes from people of the republican party. gay marrage and abortion. abortion was not mentioned in the article. sorry when I hear those two thrown togther in the way you have it seems like someone dancing on the puppetr strings of the party. but turns out your not. good for you

Anonymous BUT not really | 08:54 am on 3/12/2008

Anonimous: Do you mean to be so utterly obnoxious or is it a gift.

Anonymous | 09:12 am on 3/12/2008

I like to be like those on the message boards.

Anonymous or am I? | 09:13 am on 3/12/2008

Anon has a point about people falling in party line

Anonymous | 02:54 pm on 3/12/2008

Hey Anon I admit I used to be a republican. Yes I'm also a pro-life libertarian/conservative. I'm pro life not because of some political party's whim. The feds.never should've been involved in the first place. Why not throw it back to the States and let the people decide? Instead of nine old people in black robes? I really don't think there is a penny's worth of difference between the Dems. and the GOP. Both are huge spenders,both want more government intrusion especially at the fed. level.

Anonymous | 08:17 pm on 3/12/2008

Anon, you and I are in complete agreement on that. The whole system in America with states rights is completely messed up. it was not the original intent of the framers of the constitution to have the federal government have such pull. Let the state decide on the issues. And sorry for being a jerk earlier, I just get so tired of people who tow the party line like zombies and I misinterpreted your comments.

Anonymous | 04:16 pm on 3/13/2008

Anon,that's okay. Just think of me as a "recovering republican." Yes indeed let's get back to a Constitutional form of government. Ron Paul was a good candidate. I know, he is a republican! But just in name only. The establishment GOP doesn't like him at all!

Josh C. | 10:16 pm on 3/14/2008

Anonymouses, I was wondering what you opinion of letting the states decided on the issue of civil unions because inevitably, and we've seen this, some states are for and others against. Just wondering what all your reaction to many states having different laws on the issue.

On a side note could you add labels to you names like anonymous 1 and 2 or a name like Optimus Prime, Bob and Builder, Joe Bob or something else to sort out who is who.

Discerner 24/7 | 05:38 am on 3/15/2008

Okay Josh C. from now on I'll be Discerner 24/7. As to civil unions,by all means let the States and people decide. The last thing we need is another federal law! I think you'll find that most people will oppose gay civil unions. The only Constitutional way to do this would be an amendment defining marriage. However this should be a States right issue. Where does it end? Are we going to someday recognize polygamy? Don't laugh,if we can change the definition of "one man,one woman," why not multiple partners? Heck what if someone wants to marry their dog? Don't think it couldn't happen? Don't bet on it!

Josh C. | 10:04 am on 3/17/2008

Discerner 24/7, great name. I hope to it on other articles on the Door. On your other comments about marriage it really makes you wish you had a time machine to see where it all ends up. I can defiantly see polygamy becoming an issue once again in America. I base this on a growing Muslim population and that pull to institute Shiria law that is inherent in the Muslim community. Also what does the US do with a guy who already has multiple wives that immigrates to the US?
One thing I do know that in America if you get enough people behind something a law will be passed even if its against their own safety and others around them.

Discerner 24/7 | 02:13 pm on 3/19/2008

Thanks Josh C. You'll probably see me commenting on articles about doofus's like Kenneth Copeland and Benny Hinn. A while back some clown tried to say these guys were Calvinists! LOL! These guys are Arminian and quite possibly Pelagian to the core! The Godstuff videos are funny. Christian TV in my view is a three ring circus,for the most part. If this nation becomes less Christian and more Muslim then yeah, you'll see big changes you won't like.

Optimus Prime | 07:30 pm on 3/16/2008

Josh C. I think my handle will be Optimus either that or Orion Pax. If anyone gets that joke let me know. I think it fine whatever the states decide. They will have to deal with the fall out of the people's decisions. Kind of a first few chapters of Romans approach if you get my drift, you made your bed now lie in it.

Josh C. | 10:12 am on 3/17/2008

Prime, I get the joke. Saying this of course dates us to the 80's but hey I wonder if that makes us some of the younger posters on this site.
I am in line with you and Discerner 24/7 on letting the states decide the issue. I like your reference to Romans show's your someone who reads the bible and not just a person who knows random verses or reads a book or six about the bible and thinks they know everything about Christianity.

Anonymous | 06:27 pm on 3/13/2008

Hooked on phonics worked for me!!!!

Anonymous | 06:36 pm on 3/14/2008

thats nice you get a gold star, but to claim it you have to go to another article on the Door

that calvinist doug | 03:02 pm on 3/17/2008

I think you mean: hukd on fonix!

Micah 6:8 | 08:52 am on 3/12/2008

Anonimous: I suspect it makes less than no sense to even bother address your post BUT I've always been a sucker for a unwinable challenge. In reading Scripture beyond the pasages condemning homosexuality maybe you've seen ones that deal with issues of gods heart for the por, justice , etc etc. Jesus never mentioned homosexuality and Paul only mentioned it along with a list of other sins that are equally henous in Gods eyes BUT certain with in the far right will of course decided that their condemnation has more clout than Gods. As far as who does or doesnt get elected I believe in a Sovereign God and who ever is elected will be HIS person for that job at this particular time in history

Anonymous | 03:06 pm on 3/12/2008

You are right! Fancy that! Yes Paul mentions other heinous sins, adultery is just as bad. Yes Jesus never mentions homosexuality specifically. So what? Jesus kept the Law Of Moses perfectly. Homosexuality is completely condemned. Jesus never contradicted the Law Of Moses did he? Yes God has a heart for the poor and a heart for justice. Just don't think like the typical far left and think the government is going to solve all of the problems. If the church was doing it's job a lot of poverty would be relieved. If you're looking for "utopia" you won't find it in this present fallen world.

Rowan Kelly | 08:13 pm on 3/12/2008

I am getting so tired of the rightwingnuts saying these things,.. wow,.. read "Pagan Christ" by Tom Harpur,.. there was no real Jesus, he is a metaphor,.. he was the last of the allegories, ,. they all taught that there is a light(christ) within each of us,.. everyone has a personal calvary where we need to experience and pull forth the god/dess within to save us,..
so there was never a judgement against any sexual practice,.. give it up,..
every sacrificial Sun God had 12 disciples, was enlightened at 12 and started a short ministry at 30,.. all the numbers are allegorical,.. they teach those who can listen, hear, see,..

Anonymous | 06:32 pm on 3/13/2008

WTF!?!? A heretic at the Door...it just can't be!

Mad Prophet of Mandeville | 09:36 pm on 3/13/2008

Oh well, metaphor, smetaphore: sounds like aids and all the other STD's are your death wish. Enjoy and go your own way.

fester60613 | 02:37 pm on 3/13/2008

Yes - actually being a democrat or a republican IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT than being a follower of Christ. It's an ELECTION - not a SERMON. This is AMERICA - and we do not yet have a TALIBAN.

Stop trying to equate politics with your funky narrow minded Christian bloody guilt trip MYTH.

Voting is far more important that scratching your butt trying to figure out who Jesus would vote for.

>fester60613 delivers **RESOUNDING** slap to anonymous<

Elmer | 06:45 pm on 3/14/2008

hold that slap back fester60613 until you learn one basic fact. What people believe informs their decisions. A square dancing Aries should know this.

fester60613 | 11:03 am on 3/16/2008

Elmer - I know that basic fact - I just can't get over the fact that these far right intolerant twits are trying to infuse politics with religion, plowing their way happily toward some hoped-for rule of the righteous that destroys the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

fester60613 | 11:03 am on 3/16/2008

Elmer - I know that basic fact - I just can't get over the fact that these far right intolerant twits are trying to infuse politics with religion, plowing their way happily toward some hoped-for rule of the righteous that destroys the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

Process Deist | 03:06 pm on 3/16/2008

Fester...That is a most unusual stutter...it seems as if you repeat the entire sentence.
Have you considered a 'Faith Healer'?

Optimus Prime | 09:17 am on 3/17/2008

Watch out for Benny Hinn he has a mean right hook!

that calvinist doug | 03:05 pm on 3/17/2008

It would seem your "tolerance" extends only so far as no disagreement arises with yourself.

fester60613 | 04:43 pm on 4/28/2008

Actually I have a very wide-ranging tolerance: but it ENDS with people who want to replace the Bill of Rights and the US Constitution with religious bigotry.

It's outrageous that these people openly advocate and preach SEDITION and yet wrap themselves in the flag and claim themselves the definition of patriotism.

It is hypocrisy and jingoism of the very worst order.

Outrageous!

Joe887775 | 03:37 am on 3/26/2008

Jesus never addressed the subject of homosexuality. Jesus did address loving your neighbor being the second greatest commandment. Does taking our country to a Needless war based on all lies seem compatable with the Christian faith?

that calvinist doug | 08:44 am on 3/07/2008

Blessed are the androgenous, for the confusion they cause will damn the fornicator.

Yea, in the time of the end, they shall flea unto the dark cave, hide the rock within themselves, and there shall be figgy pudding running from their loins.

At that time, the fornicator will sing a new song, and it shall be a crying game.

BJ | 10:34 am on 3/07/2008

Dammit, there you go with the fig reference again.

We shall all be plums
We shall all be plums
We shall all be plums some day.

that calvinist doug | 02:09 pm on 3/07/2008

Plums? Plumbs?

Figs? Prunes?

This is all too much. What's next? Raisins? Will all the dried fruit join the revolution? We can only pray.

scottie | 06:35 pm on 3/13/2008

I was wondering when u 2 were gonna jump on this...great posts except Doug, did you mean flee or were u implying there was a dog involved and they were gonna get fleas? Please clear this up...my eternal destiny hinges on this!

1dogbarking | 07:58 am on 3/12/2008

Flea? Lie down with dogs? Wasn't one of the commandments that "Thou shalt not tempt the blue haired gods with poor grammar or spelling?"

that calvinist doug | 09:39 am on 3/12/2008

I confess to my sin. BTW, shouldn't "blue haired gods" be hyphenated?

Anonymous | 09:44 am on 3/07/2008

Was Jesus gay? When he died, he was 33 years old, never married and hung out with 12 other men. Most modern xtians would had Jesus on their gaydar.

nomus | 10:14 am on 3/07/2008

Ater reading you comment I couldn't help but thinking about how what is defined as "Gay" has changed over time. look at the art of the 1800 and 1900's and how men who were friends were depicted. Heck just do a search of art for David and Nathan. most people would take a look at the picture and say those dudes are definatly voting for Obama

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