What would Jesus drive? We thought the warranty had run out on this joke. But it's back, like that irritating squeak in your chassis that disappears whenever you need Mr. Goodwrench to hear it.

An admirable campaign has been going on for several years to raise the consciousness of Americans about how their auto emissions are polluting the environment. Churches joined in early on, pointing out the moral and ethical evils of selfish consumption.

Hey, who wouldn't be for that?

But then the religious section decided to get cute.

The Evangelical Environmental Network and other green activists thought it would be effective to steal a page from the Religious Right's playbook and enlist the Savior in their campaign's agenda with a take-off on the "What would Jesus Do?" slogan.

Their full-page ad appeared in Christianity Today, and TV spots ran in several states using that pious-looking 19th century picture of Jesus praying next to a photo of a clogged highway at rush hour.

The idea, they say, is to show that "Jesus cares what kinds of cars we drive" because "transportation choices are moral choices" impacting pollution levels and the demand for foreign oil. "We believe He wants us to travel in ways that reduce pollution and consumption of gasoline," one defender of the campaign explained.

The Door loves flora and fauna just as much as the next magazine. Bambi, too. But the question "What would Jesus drive?" sends us into a 360 degree spinout.

Appealing to the sacred in defense of a green political agenda is nothing new. Back in the '90s we poked fun at Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt when he invoked Noah's Ark in a campaign to save endangered species.

We were ready to dismiss the whole silly thing this time. But then we noticed that General Motors was sponsoring a controversial 16-city tour by Michael W. Smith, Third Day and Max Lucado called "Chevrolet Presents: Come Together and Worship."

General Motors? The creator of the Corvette, the Chevy Malibu and the Pontiac Firebird merging with the industry that brought us Carman, Dino and David Meece? Could we be missing something here? Catalytic converter meets harmonic conversion, perhaps? Was this simply a public relations counter-offensive for GM, to try to waylay the WWJDrive campaign? Or could the internal combustion engine actually harbor ancient biblical mysteries, waiting to be uncovered?

In response, The Door convened a colloquy of shade-tree mechanics, amatuer grease-monkeys and odd car buffs from around our office, popped AC/DC's Highway to Hell into the CD changer, put a call in to Tom and Ray Magliozzi of the Car Talk radio show, and engaged in an intense discussion of cubic inch displacement, torque ratios and the parsing of Greek verbs until well past dark. Everybody had different ideas, but eventually a few things became clear.

Initially, many cars were dismissed out of hand. The Chevy Caprice, for instance (too clunky), the Honda Accord (even Benny Hinn refused to have one of those), most Yugos, Hyundais, Fiats and the new VWs, plus the Ferrari Testarossa (totally impractical and vain) and the Rolls Royce and Cadillac (caricatures of what famous religious figures drive).

Ever since the stock market went sour, classic and custom automobiles are being snapped up as investments at exhorbitant prices, so Jesus will have to act fast if He wants to snag a decent car. A Chrysler muscle car, for instance, equipped with the legendary 425-horsepower Hemi V8 can sell for $100,000. And a 1971 Plymouth Hemi 'Cuda convertible recently sold for a whopping $700,000.

Those models, of course, are out of the question for a simple carpenter from Galilee.

Gradually the list was whittled down to a variety of transportation options we felt any messianic figure would be happy to own.

What Would Jesus Drive?

Here are the pros and cons we finally came up with.

1934 Chevy Coupe - Everybody's first choice was the 1934 Chevy three-window coupe with chromed-out Chevy 355 engine boasting a solid 325 horses, VDO gauges, an Ididit steering column with Billet Specialities "Alien" steering column, gray leather interior and torch-red flame paint job. Jesus would have surely been impressed with the car's history: 1934 was the year Chevrolet introduced a new valve-and-rocker arm arrangement to its standard inline six-cylinder engine that boosted it's performance. A true classic.

The problem is that Jesus would probably be less interested in personal preference, coolness or speed in selecting his car. Ministry needs would dominate His choice. A hotrod is great for cruising the main drag, picking up chicks and high-testosterone racing. But it takes a lot of upkeep time, and that paint job certainly wouldn't last long in the dust and grime of an ancient Middle Eastern Roman province. Fuel economy would also be a consideration.

No hotrod for the Son of God.

Ford Econoline 15-passenger van - The second suggestion, then, was the Ford Econoline 15-passenger van, used by every church in America for youth mission trips and senior citizen outings. Big plus-all the disciples could ride together, thus promoting fellowship during long trips. And there would be room for picking up a couple of hitchhikers or storing loaves and fishes. The luggage rack on top would allow for tents, fishing gear and spare sandals.

But there's a hitch. The main insurer of church vans has declared the 15-passenger van to be "inherently unsafe." It seems that when fully loaded they have a tendency to roll over and kill everybody inside. More than 450 people have been killed in 15-passenger vans since 1990. (On the other hand, you could probably pick one up cheap nowadays).There's also the problem of the disciples always arguing over what music to play, who gets to ride shotgun and whether to open or close those little side windows.

Jesus would consider, but then reject this choice.

Humvee - Jesus has many enemies, a variety of Pharisaical plots always in play, the occasional raving demoniac lunging at Him, plus the general press of the crowd. So there's a lot to recommend the bulletproofed military Humvee (High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle) with a 6.5L diesel engine outfitted with a Road Warrior-like array of protective bumpers, roll-bars and brush guards. Snorkels and snubbers are available for Jordan River crossings, as are extra fuel tanks and external lighting for illuminating those long dark nights of the soul spent in prayer.

Although the Humvee would garner respect from any Roman centurian or Zealot in its path, the downside is that this would also isolate Jesus from the crowds. People would want to see this miracle worker in the flesh as He passes through their village, not peering out through a darkened, polycarbonate safety-shield window. Besides, the protective defenses wouldn't be effective against a Hellfire missile from a Roman Predator Drone anyway. Best to move on to other ideas.

Jaguar XKR - The Messiah would make a statement and enhance His credibility as a player on the world stage by choosing a Jaguar XKR, the same car featured in the James Bond film Die Another Day. The car sports an Eaton supercharger combined with twin intercoolers, which dramatically increase the performance of the XKR's 4.2-liter V8 engine, delivering 390 horsepower. That translates to zero to 60 in 5.2 seconds-a consideration if you're trying to fulfill a prophecy in Hebron on Monday morning and attend a wedding at Cana of Galilee that afternoon.

But the car would also send out another message, that of conspicuous consumption. Some might not buy the excuse that "the poor you have with you always." The two-seater costs $69,000 even without the special Messianic add-ons and acouterments.

In the end, Jesus would probably scratch the Jag off His list.

Custom Tractor-Trailer Rig - When you're trying to pack everything needed to start up the Kingdom of God in a new town, the most efficient way is to put it all in a tractor-trailer rig. Sound stage, amps, cables, boom mikes, lighting, even boxes of tracts, port-a-potties and box-office cubicle-it can all fit into this rolling warehouse. A 70-foot-long Featherlite Trailer pulled by a Kenworth T2000 tractor rig (custom assembled in Kenworth's Chillicothe, Ohio, plant), with apocalyptic mural by internationally famous airbrush artist Mickey Harris would let everybody know Jesus is "in it for the long haul." Add in tilt skillets, ovens, water purifiers and a generator, and feeding the 5,000 would be a snap.

But parking an 18-wheeler would be a problem in the narrow and winding streets of Judea. In fact, you probably couldn't even turn the darn thing around in Jericho without backing over into Peraea or maybe even Decapolis. Besides, CB chatter is so passé. And "breaker, breaker" translates into an obscene epithet in Aramaic. Jesus would decide this arrangement was just too good to be true, and choose another set of wheels.

Toyota Prius - For simplicity of lifestyle, lowest impact on the environment and greatest gas mileage, the Toyota Prius stands out. It could easily make the trip from Gaza to Caesarea-Philippi on a single gallon of gas. The annual fuel cost is just $484, leaving plenty for the poor and needy. The Toyota Hybrid System (THS) combines a highly efficient VVT-i gas engine with an advanced electric motor to not only power the Prius, but also recharge the vehicle's batteries, thanks to an ingenious generator and regenerative braking system. This means the Prius never needs to be plugged in for recharging. Which is just as well, since electrical outlets will be hard to find in first-century Palestine.

Some might argue the Prius might very well fit the needs of a Starbucks-drinking NPR-listening Seattle wimp with a nose ring. But do we really want the Son of God travelling around in a car you can flip over with one hand? What happens if it has a collision at even 35 mph? It's goodbye redemption, hello eternal damnation. Jesus has a date with destiny in Jerusalem. Could the Prius get Him there? We don't think so.

Jesus would realize that for the greater good, he should gird up his loins, crawl out of the Toyota Prius, and without looking back, put His hand to the wheel of the only practical remaining vehicle....

The Chevrolet Suburban - It may not be the most moral decision from an environmental viewpoint. But we can all breathe a little easier knowing Jesus would be comfortably behind the wheel of the Chevy Suburban Three-Quarter-Ton LS. Its big, 130-inch wheelbase eliminates the danger of rollover on the twisty mountain roads of Samaria. The Big Block Vortec 8100 V8 engine, rugged chassis and four-wheel drive option keep the Kingdom on the go when lesser cars would be left stranded in the slough of despair. Suffer the little children? Not if they can plop a VeggieTales disk into the optional DVD player for the rear passenger seats. Overhead map lights make quick checks of Torah scrolls easy. And the global positioning system on the dash can pinpoint exactly when you're leaving the wilderness, even in a sand storm. The Suburban seats seven, so if you see two guys on the road to Emmaus, you won't hesitate to stop and pick 'em up.

Best of all, in a collision with, say, a Toyota Prius, Jesus might not know anything happened at all, thanks to the Suburban's stability enhancement system that monitors vehicle dynamics continuously and applies a quick, precise force to the appropriate brake to help bring the vehicle back on track.

What Would Jesus Drive?

We should all be thankful He'd be driving an SUV.

As for the weaving, sputtering WWJDrive campaign, we think they should just park it and take the bus.

In the Holy HOV Lane

The first "What Would Jesus Drive?" takeoff surfaced shortly after the original "What Would Jesus Do?" campaign hit the religious scene, with those little bracelets, the hoopla, etc. You remember. Scott Ostler, a columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle, was the first writer we could find who set down this classic riff, back in 2000. Roy Rivenburg at www.offkilter.org quoted Ostler and added his own creativity to the theme. His original column (at www.offkilter.org/jesusdmv.html) eventually spread throughout the Internet, and the rest is automotive history. We provide it here as a backgrounder ... "For centuries, theologians have squabbled over the type of transportation the Lord would use: Public transit or private car? Stick shift or automatic? A sport-utility vehicle roomy enough for all 12 apostles or an economy model? "One of Ostler's readers theorized that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.'' But our research department found several other scenarios. In Psalm 83, for example, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." (We're not sure how a Geo Storm could be considered terrifying, unless it had those scary shooting flames painted on the sides.) Another scripture indicates that Yahweh favored Dodge pickup trucks. Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain until "the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells a crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord, but the Father who sent me commanded me what to say.'" However, there is debate over whether the vehicle had bumper stickers such as "Save the Humans," "My other car is a flaming chariot" or "Honk if you love me." Meanwhile, Moses drove a British Triumph sports car, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Joshua drove a Triumph too, with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles carpooled in a Honda: "The Apostles were in one Accord."