By Todd Outcalt
Issue #192, March/April 2004

Dear Partners,
      You know that recently I have taken on the Harry Potter phenomenon and have revealed how Harry and his friends are leading our children into witchcraft and sorcery. But now I have a far more urgent message that I need to share with you.
      Perhaps, like me, you have become concerned about the little yellow cartoon character named SpongeBob Squarepants. On the surface, this show may seem innocent enough, but after talking with leading occult experts and people who actually work in the cartoon industry, I need to share what my ministry has uncovered.
      Consider, first of all, that your children are watching a sponge that can walk, talk, and breathe. But we know this is impossible. Sponges (according to several leading botanists we interviewed) are actually one of the lowest forms of animal life. I mean, these things can't even tie their own shoelaces. Most sponges do not even appear yellow in their natural habitat. So what is a yellow sponge doing teaching your children about frying hamburgers, dancing the two-step (also a no-no!), and driving a car?
      Given the moral decay of our nation today, it is easy to see, however, why most parents have abdicated their parenting responsibilities to SpongeBob. Satan has twisted their minds and is battling for the souls of their progeny.
      A recent review of some thirty random SpongeBob episodes also revealed the following morally decadent messages:

• In one episode, SpongeBob pulls down his squarepants and reveals his square buttocks.
• An underage SpongeBob is shown driving a car while receiving morally questionable guidance from a dumb Starfish named Patrick.
• SpongeBob frequently lies and cheats to get out of trouble.
• Many of the sea creatures shown in these episodes are not wearing pants of any kind (square, or otherwise).
• The show promotes a belief in Neptune, god of the sea – a clear message to children that they should be polytheists.
• SpongeBob talks in a high, falsetto voice (do I need to say more about the homosexual threat to America?).
• All of these sea creatures are depicted as single and available for reproduction.
• None of these shows depicts an underwater church or house of worship.
• None of these shows make any clear reference to Jesus Christ as the Savior of the World – and this includes the sea and all that is in it.

• Patrick and Sandy: What kind of relationship do they really have?
• The Sexual Practices of an Everyday Sponge: Asexual reproduction and your child.
• What's Really Cookin' at the Crusty Crab?
• Mrs. Puff and the Absent Husband.
• Why Squidward Plays More Than the Clarinet.
• Beyond the Cutting Room Door: Where the Character Voices Really Come From.
• Why the Pineapple House Built on Sand Will Not Last.

In Christ,

Pastor John Hagee