Dear Door Editor,

This is the Lord.

I don’t usually interfere so overtly with the production of your magazine (although Archangel Michael has from time to time threatened to “get medievil” on some of your contributing editors). But strange times and egregious trespasses have caused Me to enclose here a few nominations for your Loser of the Year award. I hope you’ll consider them.

(Actually, I know you will, but if I told you that, it would interfere with the space-time continuum, set up cognitive dissonance in the uber-mind, etc. So just forget this part of the conversation, OK?) As you can imagine, I’ve been pretty ticked off for the past couple of months.

First, those terrorists took their hate-filled murder plot up into My sky and sent thousands of people to My doorstep in an orgy of senseless destruction. Human evil always provokes My wrath. I’ve polled the new arrivals, and they’re willing to forgive and forget—the atmosphere here seems to have that effect. But, being God, I don’t have that luxury. Don’t worry, though. Justice will be done. In fact, I took care of that about 2,000 years ago on the cross—but that’s another story.

The world now seems to be divided into two camps.

One group maintains I had nothing to do with these evil events; that “our kind of God” would never allow something like this to happen. They seem to think that I was up so late processing Rev. Steve’s call to become associate minister at First Squeecheville Methodist Church that I overslept on Sept. 11.

But I was right there. Acts of God aren’t limited to the fine print of insurance policies. In fact, if I cared about My reputation, I’d be a little concerned I haven’t gotten more praise for immediately ending those terrorists’ lives at the moment of their crime. If that’s not quick justice, I don’t know what is. And I arranged for many people to miss their subway stop, or go back for their lunch that morning, averting their own deaths. I moved heaven and earth to get most of those people—more than 20,000— out of their buildings in time, and nobody has a problem with giving Me credit for that. You just can’t have it both ways, folks. Either I was there or I wasn’t.

But that brings Me to the other group. They agree I was somehow in this, but they presume to have expanded their little peabrains to know My Mind. (Sorry guys, but I stopped taking your calls years ago). They say I want to punish America for its moral laxness. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson led this outrage parade—at least until they saw which way the wind was blowing and recanted. But I heard ‘em the first time. If My memory serves, and it always does, the transcript of Falwell’s remarks went something like this:

See the Megiddo website here.

“I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen.’”

Then Pat Robertson agreed.

“We have sinned against Almighty God, at the highest level of our government, we’ve stuck our finger in Your eye,” said Robertson. “The Supreme Court has insulted You over and over again, Lord. They’ve taken Your Bible away from the schools. They’ve forbidden little children to pray. They’ve taken the knowledge of God as best they can, and organizations have come into court to take the knowledge of God out of the public square of America.”

Once the fat hit the fan, Falwell and Robertson backtracked like weasels.

“I would never blame any human being except the terrorists, and if I left that impression with gays or lesbians or anyone else, I apologize.” Falwell later told CNN.

Hmm.

From my vantage point of omnipresence, omniscience and other Latin terms too unintelligible to mention, I know that Falwell and Robertson actually STILL BELIEVE what they said the first time. And if I were disposed to punish America for something, it would be for putting up with arrogant Pharisees who blaspheme My name by trying to make a national tragedy conform to their own spiteful political agenda.

But, hey, that’s just me.

There were many others who made this whole thing a lot harder for everyone.

The Scientologists—bless their audited little souls—sent more than 750 “mental health counselors” to New York and set up a National Mental Health Hotline for victims... at least until the REAL National Mental Health Association protested that the Scientologists “aren’t trying to help people with mental health, but to get them to join their cult.” I’m not sure they even understand how sleazy that was.

Wealthy eschatologist Hal Lindsey excitedly told vie`wers that his new book, which was published only days before the World Trade Center attack, predicted that the last piece of the Last Days puzzle would be the loss of America’s standing in the world. He seemed to believe that events were proving him right. The tremendous outpouring of support for America from around the world—even from from Cuba and China—did not help advance this theory.

But perhaps the most offensive display was from Jan and Paul Crouch of Trinity Broadcasting Network and their son Matthew. For a teaser commercial promoting their new End-Times film Megiddo, scenes from the World Trade Center attack were spliced in to give it more relevance. Matthew Crouch, producer of the movie, mentioned how he was “giddy” over the timing of the release of the film.

I watched in horror (OK, you caught Me. I watch religious television for entertainment up here) as Paul Crouch read a critical letter from a pastor in Modesto, Calif., who thought it was a “disgrace when people take something that is still this fresh in the minds of the public and use it for their own gain. I pray for you ... for the pain you are causing these families.” Crouch didn’t even flinch.

“Believe me, this holocaust in New York City, as horrible as it was, is a Sunday School picnic compared to what’s coming upon planet Earth before Jesus returns in power and glory.” Still, he made sure to distance himself from Falwell and Robertson. “God did not do this as judgment on New York City. The devil did it!”

	LOSER of the YEAR : 2001

To illustrate his point, he brought the camera in close to view unretouched news photos of the “face of Satan” visible in the smoke billowing from the twin towers. To me, it vaguely resembled Crouch himself.

He emphasized that TBN is not making movies for filthy lucre, explaining that their first movie, The Omega Code, cost $7 million but only made $1 million in return. So, uh, because they made a bad movie, that means they’re not out for gain? I looked around for Ockham’s Razor to cut through this goofy logic, but I must have mislaid it.

“Please don’t try to discourage me from doing what I know is God’s perfect will to do in promoting this film,” Crouch continued, tugging at the collar of his funky Nehru jacket. “I’m not angry, I’m just emotional at this time. I simply disagree with the criticism.”

(And he has good reason to be sensitive. Crouch, who wrote the “novel” that Megiddo is based on and its predecessor, The Omega Code, is being sued for plagiarism by the author of an earlier and almost-exactly-the-same novel, The Omega Syndrome.)

He then played the promotional video for the audience. After scenes of the terrorist attack, mourners and New York City firemen, headlines appear: “2000 years ago, God knew....2 years ago God began creating an answer to the questions we didn’t know the world was about to ask.”

It took me a while to process all the double negatives, but honestly, I don’t recall doing any such thing. In 1999 I was pretty preoccupied with the whole Bill Clinton problem, not film production.

“My friends,” Crouch said as the teaser ended, “if anyone can take offense at that, we are on different planets, I’m afraid.”

My sentiments exactly.

I was tempted to squash him like a bug, but then I remembered he’s serving my purpose by showing the Christian church in general how they’ll end up if they continue to be market-driven rather than motivated by love. So I spared him.

But I could do one thing, I thought. I could nominate the Crouches—the whole dang (pardon my French) family—as Door Magazine Losers of the Year.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Although vengeance is Mine, as the Good Book says, I usually like to give a warning shot, just so people can’t accuse Me of not playing fair.

Consider these Losers warned.